Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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