dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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