life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
