oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
