I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize