ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
