I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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