im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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