Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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