In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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