he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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