I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
