Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
