This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
