he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You ate ashes out of my bong
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
