You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
