i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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