I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
