Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
