How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
