I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
