Nicole vs. Life
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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