you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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