he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
