I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
