Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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