He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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