Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
