seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
