someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
