He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize