dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize