I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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