I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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