Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
