hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
