So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
this is an emotional support booty call
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
