I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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