I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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