I just made out with a guy for $7.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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