i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
