Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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