Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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