Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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