I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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