Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
