nut hugger
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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