I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
