i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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