Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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