I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
