it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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