Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
