We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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