so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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