what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
