i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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