Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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