Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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