saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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