He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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