Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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