Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
