Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
