seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
